Thursday, March 10, 2011

A not-so-pretty post...

I know this is my blog and I can do whatever I want with it. But there are so many times where I just want to write what I am thinking or feeling but I am always worried about feeling stupid, offending someone, or just making things too personal. I don't know where that line is. And I know that's probably what journals are for. Oh well. Anyway, today is one of those days where I just have a lot on my mind and I just want to vent and if I don't do it, then I will probably just be crying all day. So, since I am still in my "mourning stage" (how long does that last?) I am excusing myself for just writing how I'm feeling. Right now. In this moment. Here I go...

**Disclaimer: I whine. And I like it. :)

It sucks not having my mom around. I hate it. Yes, I am grateful for the plan, and I am grateful she is finally free from her body. Yadayadayada. That isn't what this is about. It's about me missing her and it sucks not being able to just TALK to her. Even if it's about NOTHING. in 8 days it will have been 2 months since she passed. And it's been about 2 months exactly since I had a normal conversation with her. I never realized how great and important and therapeutic talking on the phone (or in person) about nothing (or something), especially to my mom, actually means to me. Or just having that someone who will just call you just to chat or whatever. Nate is great. He really is. And he is there for me as much as he can and we talk about anything and everything. And I love it. But he is also gone on average 9-10 hours a day and has to actually WORK, then come home and bond with his daughter's and just us as a family unit. He is a great husband and father. So, I guess I am talking about non-spousal, meaningful, real, and CONSISTENT communication that I feel like I am just completely missing out on. It probably doesn't help that we only have one car so I am stuck at home almost every day. Anyway, I know there are people I can probably call "just because", but let's be honest, I feel weird doing that, especially when they don't call me, and I am terrified of awkward silences. And I'm always worried they are thinking "this is sort of weird, why is she calling me?" "Does she have a point to this conversation? Just get to it already!" "Wow, she sucks at small talk". "I really don't have the time for this, but I want to be polite, so, ummmm...". Does anybody else worry about those things? Probably not. Moving on. I guess I just miss having regular, frequent, phone chats about nothing. And I miss hearing about my mom's "nothingness" as well. And I miss having someone who just "get's me" and doesn't judge me and they just laugh's at my ridiculousness. I miss being able to vent to someone (which is probably why I am ranting on my freakin' blog! Bah!!). I know. It sounds so lame. It does. But I think you'd feel the same if you were in my boat. Maybe? Don't answer that. But for those of you who HAVE lost someone really close to you like my mom was to me, isn't it weird that life just moves on for everyone else? The first few weeks are fine because you have an overwhelming amount of love and support being shown to you. And it is wonderful and so helpful. But after that, it seems like people just forget. I know they probably haven't, but it just seems that way. And I know I am guilty of not following up with people after they have lost someone. But now that I really know how it is, I think I'll do better. At least I am going to try my darndest to. Because for the few who have mentioned to me that they knew that the weeks and months after the first few weeks of your loss are the hardest because it seems that everyone has just moved on, it was such a huge relief and a tender mercy that someone at least understood. And really, I hope I don't make anyone feel bad with this post. And if someone comes up to me about this post and says "I'm so sorry, blah, blah, blah", I'll be totally embarrassed. I don't want anyone to feel bad and I don't want anyone to feel obligated to start calling me, haha! I'm not THAT desperate! Life goes on and people are busy. I get that. And I am not upset with anyone. And I know I sound desperate and lonely and all that stuff. Whatever. I hate feeling sorry for myself. Aaaand at the same time I love it. Gosh I sound really self-centered. Bah! I'm going to go be productive now.

11 comments:

meghan said...

Oh Kelly, you are so cute and so normal! I remember the first few months after my died. At first it was a flood of people coming to stay or bring meals. Then time went on and it seemed like everyone went back to their normal lives...everyone except us. I can tell you that you will never stop missing your mom, but time does make that pain a little bit easier to bear. You can call me to vent anytime! I am stuck at home all day with my three kiddos and could use some adult conversation;) love ya Kelly!!

KatieBug said...

Kelly- we have 2 cars and some how i feel stuck too. You are not alone! I feel like things are hard sometimes because were the adults now and we are expected to be happy and independent and strong but its okay to have hard times too! And you write about what you want on your blog and NEVER feel dumb! And if you want to have a pity party on your blog, go for it. You're awesome and Im sorry about your mom and I hope time takes away the sting a little bit more each day but I love reading about the relationship you two had. I can tell it was really special and unique. Love ya girl.

Doodle On Yoo said...

Kelly,

Scream, kick, cry, throw things. You need to let it out! After my niece passed away, we all walked on tip-toes around Nate's sister. We still don't talk about "it" around her to this day......her baby passed away 3 years ago. It takes time and for everyone it takes a different amount of time. My advice: pray for peace. As a parent we remember to pray for our children and spouse, forgetting that we might need help as well. Oh! And you can still talk to her, it might sound like you're talking to yourself, but just talk out loud when you are thinking of her. You'd be surprised at how it can help you.

Bathroom Buddy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
brooke and tyler said...

Kelly, I'm so sorry. I know I don't totally understand what you are going through, but I think you have every right to feel this way. She's your mother! Talk about it, write about it, call someone...whatever you need. I think it would be unhealthy to hold it all in. Obviously, I may not know what I'm talking about. But we do love you and wish you the very best!

p.s. we get to see you this weekend!

Shelley said...

I completely get the need to just vent! Don't ever feel afraid to do that on your blog. We all love you and want you to be happy so if talking about your feelings helps, great! You are always welcome to call me for this sorta thing! I'm a pretty good listener! Or if you ever want to just talk about nothing or whatever!

Judi said...

Kelly...I've been where you are now, and you are right..it does suck. But like Meghan wrote..with time the pain does become easier. My mother passed away on a Friday and for one year, I hated Friday's. After the first year I had been through everything it least one time without her, and it somehow made it easier.
I didn't know that loosing someone could cause such physical pain, but it does and it will for a while.
Write what you need to and let it all out.
I am thinking about you!
I will send you a private message on FB with my number and please call me when ever you want or need to talk. About anything....
I miss our talks at
APX...sending hugs your way!

Wendy and Neal said...

If there is any place you should feel comfortable letting yourself be open and honest in a network type setting, your blog is the place. Your post gives me such conflicting feelings. I spend a lot of time focusing on the faults of those that are close to me, and how their faults hurt/effect me, instead of looking at myself and what I can do to be happiest. My mom and I are really fighting right now. I mean, the don't-even-think-about-calling-me type of fighting. Did you ever have fights with your mom? I hate that I'm not taking advantage of having my mom, in perfect health, a mile away, and all you want is to have your mom back to talk to for a moment every day. It makes me want to do better. I wish it were easier.

Naomi said...

There is no one that can take your mom's place. It is great just calling your mom and talking about anything and everything. It is okay if you need to take a break to deal with the kids, it's okay if you are not talking about anything at all. Just that you are together on the phone. I miss that. I really am sorry for what you are feeling and what you have yet to feel. It is okay to be angry and sad and mourn...

Matt and Mandy said...

I know what you mean, I pretty much stopped blogging after Matt's parents died, I felt like everyone was tired of my whining about it, but that was (and is) all I could ever think to write about. It gets better (so they say), and no, the 'being free of their body' part doesn't help. Your blog is a great place to vent, I figure people who read it know me and care about me, so they are welcome to read about how I feel, and if they would rather no they don't have to read it :) So blog away sister, it's good to get it all out rather than keeping it inside. Love to you and your family, you're in our prayers!

Valerie said...

Hey, I suck at small talk too. Just call me and I'll tell you about my super boring nothing days, and you can tell me about yours. I'm serious. Call me right now. Or tomorrow. Or whenever--just call me! I love you cuz!