Saturday, December 10, 2011

It's her birthday...

Happy Birthday Mom! (warning, this is sort of journalistic and I'm feeling pretty emotional. Read at your own risk!)
This may be one of my favorite pictures of her ever!
Today is/would have been my mom's 56th birthday. Most of you know this already, but she passed away this year on January 18th. I've just been thinking about her 1 year death anniversary and wondering if it will be hard or if I will be fine. I wasn't even thinking about her birthday or Christmas time until recently. I had been so busy preparing for Lyla's birthday party and then her actual birthday. Then the evening of her Ly's birthday after everyone was in bed and I was in the kitchen doing some dishes, in dawned on me that it really was Christmas time and also my mom's birthday in 5 days and I've pretty much been crying ever since!

I think it's especially hard since the last time I was with her was Christmas time where we were able to take our last family photo with her and we were able to bless Ruby. That was one of my favorite trips to California with my little family and we were so sad to leave. We had no idea that it would be the last time we would see my mom. So now that it is this time of year again (her birthday, Christmas, and the last time I saw her), I can feel the loss of her so deeply and I'm a complete mess. I just miss her. I miss talking to her. A TON has changed within our family since she died and I wish I could talk to her about all of those things. I want to talk to her about our move, Nate in school, my beautiful and sweet daughter's, my photography, new and old friends, etc. I miss all her updates on family, friends, her "crappy" body, and her stories about when she was a young and able mother. I. miss. her. A lot.

So anyway, I've been extremely sensitive all week and I even cried during Elf. My brother Mike blogged about her today and he did a bike ride in honor of her. You can find his post here. His post is very happy and positive, unlike mine. And he said that mom would want me to be out and having fun and would want me to be happy. Maybe that will be next year for me. I'm just not feeling that way right now. But don't worry, I am going out on a date with Natey tonight and I'm going to do some retail therapy so maybe that will help :) Anyway, to make up for my negativity, I think I'll recycle my post for her birthday last year since it all still holds true. Here it is. I love knowing that she read this and loved it so much that she put it in her personal journal that her friends were helping her compile.

And mom, if you're able to read blogs in heaven or if you're reading over my shoulder as I'm typing away, know that I love you with all my heart and I miss you so deeply. I hope you're dancing and running, and skiing your heart out! Happy Birthday!!

9 comments:

Emily said...

What a beautiful picture! You look SOO much like her! I can't believe the resemblance. I'm sure you've heard that a lot. Happy Birthday, Dana!!

Haley said...

I can't blame you for missing your mom so acutely this time of year. She sounds like a beautiful person! I'm sure she's very aware of all the exciting changes going on in your life right now!

Stacy said...

Kelly, this post brought tears to my eyes, and made me want to call my mom (except at 11pm she probably wouldn't appreciate it). I don't think you're being negative at all... it hurts so much because you love her so much, and she is clearly a wonderful lady. If you need me, I'm here!

Doodle On Yoo said...

Yup. I cried too! I love how honest and open you are about your mom. She sees everything you want to tell her and is right there with you. Don't feel bad for being sad, she'd understand. Hugs!!!

joel and laura michelle said...

oh sweet kelly. what a special daughter you are for your mother. i love you!

Jonathan and Laura said...

This is a very sweet post. I also read your mom's birthday tribute which is very sweet too. I have an aunt who passed away a year ago too and I'm still struggling with how to react to is as well. Thanks for your insight.

Em said...

You're mom was an Angel on earth that's forsure. Kelly you are so much like her. I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to have known you both. LOVe you kelly!

Candace said...

You're making me cry. I hope she's running & skiing & dancing too. LOVE YOU KELLY! You're so strong. I know she's so proud of you!

Amy Rex said...

Kelly,
I remember when we all came over and hung out when you were here last Christmas. It was so fun to be with all of you. I miss your mom too. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my mom so young. You're strong though and you'll make it through this challenge even stronger!!!